A personal take on depression: Would you recognise it in your child?

Tania writes

It's Depression Awareness Week, although with the state of the economy and the weather, it wouldn't surprise me if most of the country was painfully aware of feeling a bit in the dumps.

Ah, see what I did there? Of course, there's a difference to being a bit blue and being clinically depressed, and for parents of young adults, teenagers and even younger children, it is very important to know the difference.

For example, what is the difference between your child just having a bad day, or your teen often being irritable or secretive because that's all part of hormones and growing up, and the onset of something more intractable that will require careful attention and treatment?

I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 16, although I had always been an anxious child due to an often uncertain home-life. For me, I can trace the true onset of major depression back to the death of my beloved grandfather, who suffered an unexpected and fatal heart attack in front of me when I was just 12.

The adults were allowed to grieve; I was told to 'put it behind me', although how I was expected to have the skills to get over the shocking death of the only male constant in my life is beyond me. My, now late, mother, many years later, told me that, in retrospect, she regretted the way she had handled it, but in fairness, it was 1980, and things were different then.

That evening, I had to call the ambulance for my gran and explain what had happened. I was staying with them over February half-term, while my sister was at our Dad's house.

The trauma of it still revisits me though, even now after adult therapy. It's still raw, 33 years later. It makes you less able to cope with adversity in a healthy way. The detail is still etched on my mind. It changed me, irrevocably.

Today, I'm great in a crisis, but I pay for it afterwards - a delayed reaction. I'm ever-vigilant, the fight or flight response never far from the surface. It's not an easy way to live.

Some Shocking Statistics*

• 1 in 10 children and young people aged 5 - 16 suffer from a diagnosable mental health disorder - that is around three children in every class.
• Between 1 in every 12 and 1 in 15 children and young people deliberately self-harm  and around 25,000 are admitted to hospital every year due to the severity of their injuries.
• More than half of all adults with mental health problems were diagnosed in childhood. Less than half were treated appropriately at the time.

Depression can often be part of illness

Anxiety and depression are also features of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, with which both Youngest and I have now been diagnosed, so I was predisposed, in any case.

Youngest hasn't had any trauma, but with EDS and Asperger's it was almost a dead-on cert that he would be affected. He has acute anxiety problems, but because of my experiences, I knew what to look for and he is receiving treatment. It won't 'fix' him, but it may help give him coping skills.

Son1, who also has ASD, has anxiety issues too. On the face of it, he looks like he's coping well with help from his specialist school, but I know it's still there, waiting to trip him up and so parental vigilance is needed.

Luckily for both of them, their father is the ultimate laid-back Dad (or in their speak, "soft as a pillow"), so they have a great male role model and a close-knit family. Even that, I know, is not always enough.

This is the first time I've ever written about my own depression and it isn't easy. I've been embarrassed, not wanting to show weakness. I can barely utter the words 'mental illness' in relation to myself. But just recently, since I've been ill, I've had to do a lot of reassessing. I expect I have felt the same way teenagers feel when they don't want to admit they are depressed or that there is anything bothering them at all.

Just because your child or young person hasn't suffered a huge trauma such as family break-up or bereavement does not mean they are not at risk of mental illness. Lack of confidence, being bullied, poor body image, difficulties at school can all be factors.

And that's not even taking into account any special needs they may have such as Asperger's, dyslexia or other learning problems that can affect self-esteem. Or they may just be genetically predisposed to it, especially if you or their other parent are affected.

As a parent, you need to know what you're looking for and Young Minds, the mental health charity for young people, have lots of resources on their site for parents and for young people themselves. Take a look, even if you don't think your child has a problem. Parents are often the last to know so knowledge is power. There is also a section for teachers on recognising and helping young people with mental health problems.

The usual NHS route for young people with mental health problems is via your GP and then to CAMHS, the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, but as you can see from the comments in this post that is a very variable service, depending on where you live. I really would advise checking out the Young Minds site as well.

I shared just some of my story to help raise awareness that depression can happen to anyone, at any age. But when it happens to a young person, without a vigilant adult, their problems can spiral out of control catastrophically. Self-harm is becoming more common, anorexia and other eating disorders are almost certain to include depression and far too many families are torn apart by the loss of a young person to suicide.

Teenagers are notoriously poor communicators; they are working on growing up and away, if they are able. Be watchful, be informed, keep talking. If you can't do this without arguments, try this book, the 1-2-3 Magic for surviving your teenagers. It will show you how to begin to see them as young adults in their own right, and no longer just your little ones.

If you'd like to share your experiences, resources, tips or knowledge I'd love to hear them!

* Source: Young Minds

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Tania Tirraoro

Founder, Co-Director at Special Needs Jungle

Founder of Special Needs Jungle. (She/Her) Parent of two young adults with autism. New grandma. Tania, who is autistic, is a leading SEND advisor, working with the Special Education Consortium, Ofsted, and Whole School SEND. She is also an Advisory Board member of the Royal Holloway, University of London Centre of Gene and Cell Therapy and an Editorial Board member of Springer Nature Gene Therapy journal.
Tania is an experienced broadcast and print journalist & author. She also runs a PR, web & social media consultancy, SocialOro Media.
Tania is a rare disease & chronic pain patient advocate with Ehlers Danlos syndrome.

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